(Excerpts from: …Remarks on Home Training and Teaching)
Deuteronomy 6.6: And these words, which I command thee this day, shall be in thine heart:
7: And thou shalt teach them diligently unto thy children, and shalt talk of them when thou sittest in thine house, and when thou walkest by the way, and when thou liest down, and when thou risest up.
8: And thou shalt bind them for a sign upon thine hand, and they shall be as frontlets between thine eyes. 9: And thou shalt write them upon the posts of thy house, and on thy gates.
Teach your children to observe the character of our God, whose Name is Love, in all the details of our Saviour’s loving ministry on earth. Remember that the object of what the Bible teaches us about God is to show Him to us as worthy of our confidence, of the most absolute trust, while He is ever the sin-hating God. Let this be the foundation of all instruction.
Proverbs 22.6: Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.
Train your children to notice the practical value of the Bible, by drawing attention to the many passages where the secret motives and feelings of our hearts are laid bare: “Be courteous,” 1 Pet. 3. 8; “In honor preferring one another;” give principles of daily action, and many more will occur to you.
Remember that God’s Word can never do harm. What men add to the Bible by way of explanation often does much harm, misleads the intellect, and narrows the affections; and we may use God’s Word wrongly, and injure the souls of others, but the Bible itself is not to be made responsible for our wanderings from truth. Do not, then, fear to give your children the Bible, but fear by ignorance and unskilfulness you should spoil the little one’s food.
You need not concern yourself too much about their not understanding all they read. Do you, or does anyone, understand all he reads in the Bible? The Bible is the highest, for it is Divine, but that high standard is there interwoven in story, in poetry, in discussions.
Now children do not discover all this, indeed none of us, even the wisest, discover the thousandth part of it; but no one can tell the advantage that the child who has imbibed Bible truths and Bible views from his earliest years has over others. They come to make a part of his very existence, and should he hereafter wander far from the paths of truth, he will never be able to shake off his childish impressions, and may-be he will hear its warnings, and ” return.” Give a high place to direct Bible-teaching; yet you must remember that, after all, the great means of training little children is not by direct teaching, not by preaching sermons, but by constant and almost insensible influence, by example, by a continuous gentle pressure, by using punishment when absolutely necessary, by moulding the character as much as one mind can mould another.
Remember that your own character is of the greatest importance if you will form the character of children. A firm but gentle person has always an advantage with the young. It is remarkable how children watch us, and draw their own conclusions with respect to our character. A teacher who has self-command often governs little children by a look of her eye or by the tone of her voice.
Good habits must be formed during early years: such as neatness and order, personal cleanliness and the like. Obedience, quiet and unquestioning, but yet intelligent obedience, is the effect of habit which is acquired when very young. Let children live in a healthy and loving atmosphere; try to form in them habits of self denial, thoughtfulness and regard for the feelings of others, and especially for the aged and the infirm.
2 Timothy 2.24: And the servant of the Lord must not strive; but be gentle unto all men, apt to teach, patient,
All this is not to be done by lecturing and scolding, but by example, by gentle incitement to do the right thing; also by plain commands, firmly given,—” Get grandmother a seat,”—” Put grandpapa’s glasses on the table near him,”—” Walk gently, because the baby is asleep.” These gentle, timely commands teach self denial and kindly thoughtfulness, which is an ornament in later years. There is difficulty in getting some children to attend to these little things, while others do it more easily. But something depends on the manner in which orders of this kind are given. If they are given in a (harsh) voice and in a tone as if you did not expect them to be (obeyed), you will only irritate your children.
To return to our subject,—the formation of habits. Check a tendency to quarrel or to (worry). It will become a habit. It is sometimes necessary to separate children who fight, and to take away from both the object they are (fighting over), but experience will teach you that a few gentle words are often the means of (settling) troubled waters. Especially be ready with words of strong approval for the child who yields or forgives first.
Fighting is, sad to say, often caused by the mismanagement of those watching the children. Deal with even-handed justice, and in cases of difficulty explain the justice of your dealing with the children. When each child is sure that his own rights will be respected, he will begin to think of the others, and you will find one telling you that “Tom’s apple is smaller than his,” or that ” Sissy had so and so to do twice, which was not fair.” And when a kindly interest in each other’s welfare has been implanted, many difficulties will be smoothed out.
Connected with the training of children, one of the principal things to be thought of is finding suitable friends for them. This is a matter of (great) importance, and little understood. Little children are trained by their surroundings; their characters are formed by every passing influence, and by every individual with whom they come in contact.
Let the enemies that our children have to struggle with be such as they may reasonably be expected to conquer, and we need not go far to find them. We all have, in our own hearts, enemies which wage the most incessant warfare with us in all our endeavours to do right. Now it is of the greatest importance that our children’s first combats should be directed against their own evil propensities. But the question still returns: What companions shall we seek for our children? When there is a large family, with several children nearly of the same age, there is no need for seeking friends beyond the family circle. The great thing to be observed in uniting children of different families, in schools or for the purpose of play, is to have proper and sufficient supervision. Children need as much supervision and as careful management when in the play-ground as in the school-room.
Psalm 58.3: The wicked are estranged from the womb: they go astray as soon as they be born, speaking lies.
A great part of our duty is in aiding our children in the long fight with themselves which they have to begin so early. It is because there is that strong tendency to evil within our children that we should so carefully guard them from evil influences without. The child who never hears a lie may tell one, but what will become of the little one whose ears have heard truth and falsehood so mingled that he cannot distinguish them? For nothing is more easily lost than a tender conscience with regard to truth and falsehood.
Proverbs 19.18: Chasten thy son while there is hope, and let not thy soul spare for his crying.
The power of children to cry, and the effect of their screams upon us are merciful provisions of an all-wise Providence, who makes the children his special care. But children, like all of us, misuse God’s best gifts, and the question often presents itself to us: How can I break this child of the habit of crying to get his own way? Now the way to overcome any difficulty is to face it, to consider its nature, to decide prayerfully how to act, and then carry out your plan firmly, but not obstinately; firmly, for you must not be discouraged because you do not (immediately) succeed, and on the other hand you must not hold to your own plan obstinately, because we all may learn by experience, and while you are carrying out your idea you may find good reason to modify or change it considerably. The child cries to get his own way, he is determined, even (stubbornly willful), and he will perhaps scheme to get what he wants. You are angry with him, but do not lose your temper. Those people who have themselves a quiet manner, and plenty of loving sympathy for children, can manage (stubborn) children best. The child’s will meets the stronger will of the (parent), and is cowed by it. You must gradually help him to overcome the fault. I say purposely, help him to overcome the fault, not overcome him, for we should not wish to subdue our children, but enable them to subdue themselves. We do not wish our children, as they grow older, to bend their wills to ours, but to the rule of right. Consider how often we ourselves are quite as much to blame as our children. Your child cries for a quarter of an hour in order to get his own way. Have you never grumbled for more than a week, or a month, hoping, in some undefined way, that your grumbling will have some effect in helping you to get what you wish for, or at least revenge you for not having had it? If a child sees this conduct in those around him, is it (surprising) that he, in turn, cries in order to have his own way?
Proverbs 29.17: Correct thy son, and he shall give thee rest; yea, he shall give delight unto thy soul.
There is one point connected with the training of children which we must not forget, and which is of considerable importance. When we are (obligated) to punish a child we must not forget at the time, or as soon as possible afterwards, to show our affection to him. A child is most apt to think that we punish him because we do not love him. “Does not your mother love you?” was once said by a teacher to a poor little girl at the Sunday school. “Sometimes,” was the answer, which told sad tales of bad management at home. It may be difficult to make children appreciate the difference between indignation at them and indignation at what they do, but if the feeling is strong in our own minds, it will constantly influence our language, and they will not fail to pick up on it. We should not say, if you do that I will not love you.
God is so good, let us do what He loves, let us please Him. If we have ourselves a constant sense of the goodness of our Heavenly Father, this feeling cannot fail to become apparent to our children; we shall not talk of it in idle commonplaces but in a spirit of living love. Sometimes the most affectionate parents force themselves, for a time, not to appear loving to their children, thinking, by this means, to give them more horror of doing wrong; but their coldness is invariably interpreted by their children quite differently from what they had intended. Children who are cold and selfish need much love shown them, for love begets love. A passionate child, too, requires much love, not a foolish, fitful fondness, but a real, deep, earnest well-spring of love. He should be sure of a welcome directly after his disobedience is over; even while he is struggling to overcome it, he should hear an encouraging word.
We must remember that, during (childhood), parents, represent God and the rule of right to their little (one). The obedience they now render to us is to be transferred, in later life, to the law of God, and if they are now made to answer to us for their conduct, it is that they may hereafter have a strong and abiding sense of their individual responsibility. To God and their own consciences will they, as men and women, have to answer for their actions; they now cling to us, and look up to us; let us be very careful that we in no way abuse their confidence.
Ephesians 6.4: And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.
Here it may be said, that there is, perhaps, no better way of overcoming our own tendency to be impatient and angry with children, than by getting into the habit of thinking them quickly becoming men and women, answerable to God for their actions, looking at their present faults as caused by what will eventually be great qualities if rightly trained. If we look at our little ones in this light, we shall feel a much greater interest in them, and respect them as God’s creatures and our fellow-human beings, having, all our faculties, destined to rejoice and to sorrow as we ourselves do, to fight, to overcome, or to be conquered like us—called to the highest destiny in view of any created being, to be made like their Creator and Redeemer.
Ephesians 6.1: Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right. 2: Honour thy father and mother; (which is the first commandment with promise;)
Colossians 3.20: Children, obey your parents in all things: for this is well pleasing unto the Lord.
OBEDIENCE, to be worth anything, must be a habit of the mind: and as it is most necessary for the comfort and well-being of children that this habit should be early acquired, we cannot begin too soon to aim at its formation.
It is a sad loss to a child to allow it to pass its early years in disobedience, and then break it in, like a wild colt, when habits of wilfulness and disobedience have grown strong.
It is not possible to compel obedience without a struggle. Obedience is necessary for the present welfare of the child. The obedient child is happier than the disobedient one, because his desires are under control. Compare two children, who have each been refused some little pleasure upon which their heart is set, supposing that one has learnt self-control, and the other has not. The first child will probably be a little subdued for a few minutes, after which he will turn to some other interest, and become so engrossed by it, as to forget his trouble. The other will fret for hours, will turn sulkily away from whatever is proposed to him, and will, perhaps, find no more enjoyment for the rest of the day.
Again, the obedient child is safer than the disobedient one. A child’s lack of experience exposes it to hundreds of dangers, from which it can only be saved by obedience to a higher wisdom than its own. Then, too, the obedient child can learn the lessons which the disobedient one leaves unlearned, for his energies and his will, not being used up in rebellion, can be focused better on the things he wants to do.
Obedience is also necessary for the future welfare of the child. He who has learnt to submit his desires to the will of those set over him, will (hopefully also) know how to submit his own will to God’s.
Ephesians 5.17: Wherefore be ye not unwise, but understanding what the will of the Lord is.